Politically Incorrect Halloween Costumes

From Dribbleglass.com:
By Scott Roeben

Before you choose a Halloween costume this year, it's important to consider whether it's appropriate. You may feel your costume is creative, but in these politically correct times, you need to take the feelings of others into account! The following costumes have been deemed politically incorrect, so beware.

Raggedy Ann. This costume clearly objectifies women.

Werewolf. Offensive to animal advocates and those with male-pattern baldness.

Cave man. The proper term should be "evolutionally challenged"; "man" is overtly sexist; also insulting to those in loincloths.

Cop. Authority figures should not be ridiculed.

Grim Reaper. Trivializes death; may also encourage children to use scythes without the necessary supervision.

Napoleon. Offends the French. (In much the same way deodorant does.)

Frankenstein's Monster. Pokes fun at those with psychological or emotional problems, as well as those with identity crises.

Bride of Frankenstein. Extremely offensive to women—they should not be known by, or valued more, merely because of their husbands.

Skeleton. Exhibits an insensitivity toward those with eating disorders.

Angel. Mocks religion and the religious.

Hunchback of Notre Dame. Ridicules those with physical deformities, as well as those suffering from "ligyrophobia," a fear of noise.

Dracula. Endorses the irresponsible practice of transmitting bodily fluids.

Sigmund Freud. Insults those with the lifelong opinion that a cigar is just a cigar.

Flapper. Demeaning to women and tassel salesmen.

Gladiator. Insensitive to cross-dressers.

Cowboy. Encourages violence, cruelty to animals and spontaneous "whooping."

Mafioso (mobster, "wise guy"). Unfairly stereotypes Italian-Americans. OK, actually, fairly stereotypes Italian-Americans, but it's still stereotyping.

Tarzan. Condones mistreatment of minorities and animals. Again, hurtful to those in loincloths.

Ghost. Glorifies the occult.

Witch. Religious persecution. Also pertains to warlocks, Gnostics, conjurers, chiromancers, shamans and Druids.

Leprechaun. Shows contempt for the Irish-American community, as well as the diminutive.

Presidents. Encourages scorn and contempt for authority figures, at least half of whom have no criminal record whatsoever. (See also "Cop.")

Characters from Star Wars. Offensive to Star Trek fans.

Characters from Star Trek. Offensive to Star Wars fans.

Mummy. Offends Egyptians, embalmers and the undead.

Genie. Objectifies women; subjects those who may be "buxom challenged" to ridicule. (Note: Same applies to wenches.)

Pirate. Distasteful to those with hooks for hands and the vision impaired (wearers of eye patches), not to mention parrot owners.

Zombie. Disrespectful of the dead.

Princess. Contributes to myth that women must be "rescued" to live happily ever after (same goes for Snow White); also insulting to certain Jewish-Americans.

Gorilla. Condescending to our friends in the wild kingdom.

Medusa. Exploits animals; sends the wrong message to young girls by implying women are defined by their physical appearance.

Gumby. Ridicules those with disfigurements (especially of the head).

Knight. Offensive to dragons, I imagine.

Baby. Promotes a lack of respect for youth, human life and those who drool voluminously.

Biblical Figures. Religion is no laughing matter, except for that part about Noah fitting four million species of animals onto one boat.

Ballerina. Cruelly mocks the short, not to mention the waif-like.

Indian. Native-Americans have been oppressed, slaughtered and persecuted—imitation buckskin and feathers are the final insult.

Devil. Affront to demons and those currently possessed by demons; Satanists are people, too, all right?

Sports Figures. Belittles our heroes.

Convict/Prisoner. See "Sports Figures"—the groups often seem to overlap.

Fairy. Offensive to interior designers and choreographers. (Note: The same guideline applies to sprites and pixies.)

Priest. The Catholic church has enough to worry about without being the butt of jokes (if you'll pardon the expression).

Bandito. Racial stereotype; subtly condones handlebar mustaches.

Headless Horseman. Blatantly sexist; wrongfully pigeonholes equestrians; also involves another physical deformity—offensive to amputees and the headless.

Viking. Endorses razing; in addition, glorifies pillaging and ravishing.

Porky Pig. Insensitive to members of the Jewish-American community (as well as members of Weight Watchers).

Klingon. Unjustly hurtful to illegal, as well as resident, aliens. (See also "Characters from Star Trek.")

Hobo. Derides the economically and hygienically disadvantaged.

Professional wrestlers. Offensive to just about everybody. (See also "Sports Figures.")

Mermaid. Slights women and aquatic life simultaneously.

Daffy Duck. Unkind to those with speech impediments. (Same goes for Elmer Fudd and Barbara Walters.)

Phantom of the Opera. Unfeeling toward those with physical malformations; shows contempt for those committed to ridding the civilized world of musicals.

Ninja. Perpetuates stereotype of Asians; also promotes "lurking."

Albert Einstein. Insulting to those who have a problem comprehending the particle nature of light.

Chinaman. Sexist; racist; upsetting to immigrants and honor students.

Clown. Deeply offensive to Geraldo Rivera.

Aunt Jemima. Racially inflammatory; serves to exacerbate the already incendiary "pancake vs. waffle" debate.

Robin Hood/Merry Men. Suggests an intolerance for those with alternative lifestyles.

Aside from those costumes, you should be just fine. Get out there and enjoy your Halloween! Oh, and don't use the phrase "trick or treat." Hookers are people, too.

Signs You Might Be a Trekkie

(This was sent to me by a source who wishes to remain anonymous. I thought it was funny.)

Saying "make it so" in casual conversation.

Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and tritanium.

Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive thought first.

Have figured out the stardate system.

An urge to wear lots of Lycra. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol.

The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your computer, car stereo, dreams, etc.

Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The Omega Glory".

Memorization of the crew's authorization codes. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments.

Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise from the Franklin Mint.Understanding Klingon.

Playing fizzbin and understanding it.

"The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and dramatic stylistics.

Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences in ST:TMP.

You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the green skinned Orion slave girl on episode number 7.
You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble. Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information.

You went to San Francisco to see of you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale.

Your college thesis was a comparison of the careers of T.J. Hooker and Captain Kirk.

You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say, "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?" You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan.

The UPS guy hands you his electronic clipboard and you're tempted to call him the "Captain's Yeoman" as you sign it. Phrases like 'sentient being' start creeping into your speech patterns.

When you find yourself singing "Headin' Back to Eden" in the shower and you know all the words.

You start practicing raising one eyebrow in front of a mirror.

Someone tells a joke and your only comment is: "Humor, a difficult concept"

You flip open your cellular phone and expect to hear it "chirp." You ask local pet stores if they stock tribbles . . and if they're neutered.

You find yourself executing the "Picard Maneuver." You get on an elevator full of people and have to catch yourself before you tell it what floor you want.

You walk to the microwave and start to order dinner.

Sitting in traffic you seriously start wondering why you're using this primitive form of transportation.

After seeing a news story about a police shooting you wonder, for a moment, why they just didn't set it on stun. You get upset when you go to get a vanity plate and find that WARPSPD has already been taken.

You see a car with a Starfleet Academy sticker and it seems perfectly normal.

Your wardrobe consists of a lot of black slacks with interchangeable gold, red and blue tops.

All babies start to remind you of Jean-Luc Picard.

You drive by a used car lot and start looking for Ferengi.

You start watching commercials because so many Trek alumni are doing the voice-overs.

You know you watch too much Trek when someone asks you to quote some Shakespeare and you do it in Klingon.

You recognize more than four references on this list.

Eternity, Space, and Other Fun Stuff

As I said, I'm writing an article about my mother, and it's taking an

eternity. When I was little, the concept of eternity would sometimes cause me to lose sleep. Not that I was afraid of eternal punishment, mind you, I was afraid of the idea of life without an end. I just couldn't "wrap my mind around" the idea of eternal life. I still can't, but I guess I don't think about it as much or as vividly as I did then. Or maybe my imagination was better then. Or my faith. It was a disturbing obsession to me, like thinking about how often your eyes blink. I can't explain it any better than that. Forever used to be a frightening concept to me. Did anybody else ever feel that way, or was it just me?

Here's a cool UFO video you can watch while you're contemplating all this.

Oh, and here's a Trekkie alert!