Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!


jel said...

happy thanksgiving

David Kirk said...

Thanks jel and Happy Thanksgiving to you too!

Rawhide said...

A long time ago, there lived some religious fanatics in England and Holland. Their right-wing zealotry required the more enlightened Europeans to reject their hate speech and these separatists, who hid behind the hypocritical label of 'puritans,' fled across the Atlantic in an attempt to spread their bigotry to the pristine wilderness of the indigenous native peoples of the North American continent.

After a long and difficult journey across the great ocean, which must have reminded them of how small and insignificant they really were, these so-called 'Pilgrims' landed at Plymouth Rock in what would become the greatest state in the nation being the home of the Kennedy family and gay marriage, Massachusetts.

The leader of this band of mishaps, the self-proclaimed 'Governor' William Bradford, upon their arrival, forced the people to participate in superstitious religious activities. 'Being thus arrived in a good harbor, and brought safe to land,' this barely-literate man wrote in his account entitled Of Plymouth Plantation, ‘they fell upon their knees and blessed the God of Heaven who had brought them over the vast and furious ocean, and delivered them from all the perils and miseries thereof, again to set their feet on the firm and stable earth.’

Predictably, these ignorant extremists had their numbers cut in half during the first winter as the Darwinian principle of the survival of the fittest demonstrated just how unfit these people were. The next spring, Native Americans, led by the compassionate Squanto, saved the rest of the fanatics from certain doom by teaching them how to grow corn, tap maple trees for syrup, and rely on naturally occurring medicines instead of the supernatural.

In the autumn of that year, there was so much food that the pilgrims felt obligated to pay some token gesture to the ‘savages,’ so they held a feast of Thanksgiving to the Native Americans and played games… no doubt some early form of football.

On October 3, 1789, slave owner George Washington would then sign a decree entitled ‘General Thanksgiving,’ appointing the day ‘to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many and signal favors of Almighty God.’

Later, on October 3, 1863, the hypocritical President Abraham Lincoln issued a proclamation calling for the observance of the fourth Tuesday of November as a national holiday.

In 1939, reformer President Franklin D. Roosevelt, in a fit of misguided revelation moved the holiday to the third Thursday of November (to extend the Christmas shopping season and bolster consumerism). After a storm of protest, Roosevelt changed the holiday again in 1941 to the fourth Thursday in November, where it stands today.

Despite these politicians blatant abuse of their positions as public servants, today Americans have managed to effectively secularize the holiday and restore Thanksgiving to its true heritage as a gluttonous feast.

David Kirk said...

Rawhide: I always thought it was a little creepy at the end of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving when Woodstock eats turkey. Thank you for commenting on my blog. You haven't done so in many moons. The blogosphere is a lonesome place these days.

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